Mexico - Cancun & Playa Del Carmen

That’s Coco Bongo. And yes it is too much, but maybe that’s my favorite part about the Cancun area, it can be as isolated and relaxing as you want, and as absolutely nuts as you want. Anyway…

What’s not to like about the Yucatan area. Besides getting your head chopped off, give me one good reason why you haven’t been there. Great weather, great hotels, hot tourists year round, cheap drinks, cheap and awesome food, some great beaches in Playa (and a couple left in Cancun), some of the best clubs you will ever see, and culture available just down the street. Cancun and Playa are totally different, but I combine them because at this point, I would see no reason to visit one without stopping by the other if this is you first trip (same goes for isla mujeres really). They are different, but each are amazing and perfect in their own ways.

Cancun is the Vegas of Mexico, without the gambling of course. Huge resorts, giant bars and clubs, and every Americanized gaudy thing you can imagine. Playa is the chill beach town right down the road (maybe an hour). It’s got style and still has some authenticity.

Cancun is mostly connected by the free bus, which gets drunker and drunker and possibly funner and funner as the night goes on. Walking from resort to resort is kind of like doing that in Vegas. As a side bar, I stayed in downtown Cancun one time, there is no reason to ever do this.

Playa Del Carmen on the other hand has fabulous 5th avenue, which is pretty damn perfect, especially if you’ve seen other carribbean attempts at pedestrian streets. They usually suck anus, and this one doesn’t. You can easily get a hotel within walking distance too.

Playa Mujeres is a new development that they’ve added to the north side of Cancun. There’s not much to write as you are close to nothing, and will basically be at your resort the entire time (which is exactly what we wanted for this trip). Even getting to the isla mujeres ferry took a minute from playa mujeres…

Notes to self:

-Coco Bongo is a must do. The one in Cancun is bigger than the one in Playa, but they are both giant. It’s crowded and loud and annoying, but where else are you going to see Mexicans dressed up like pop and movie stars up on stage. True entertainment.
-Beware the eco-tourist hotels. Especially as you get closer to Tulum. Some of these places have no AC, and some don’t even allow booze…so what’s the point of being on vacation!
-Tulum ruins are kind of meh, but they do have a pretty sick cliff side beach area.
-Isla Mujeres is actually a nice day trip from Cancun. Get a golf cart, chill at the beach bars and watch the sun go down. Hard to beat. Most recently we had a nice lunch at The Joint on the far east end of the island and then watched the sunset from Buho’s (which I randomly think I went to before). Check out the page on Isla…we now adore it.
-The actual town of Cancun is reasonably dirty, but it does offer as close to an authentic Mexican store as you will get directly around Cancun
-My most recent time at the Cancun airport was pretty damn painless. Once through customs, I went right to the “super shuttle” counter and booked a private van/taxi with the lady. She took credit cards, gave me a voucher, and I just had to give the bell guy/driver one copy of said voucher and I was off. I tipped all involved of course but it was very very easy. I would argue easier than dealing with finding some prearranged bullshit. If you’ve been here or to even a place like this you know exactly how daunting the airport exit can be. It’s like the Hunger Games.

-J loves using Nexus tours for trips to and from the airport, and any long journey on the mainland. Reasonable rates and nice folks. They use signs at the airport so you can skip the onslaught of oh my god please stop talking to me and what the hell should I do. She also stayed at the Hideaway at Royalton Riviera and was not a fan. Frat party for middle agers she said :)

Planet Hollywood Playa Mujeres - Jan 2022

Since we were newly minted Marriott ambassadors and this hotel was a newly minted autograph, we thought it was gonna be quite the show! Wrong son! Wrong.
I got 5 rooms at 4 nights each.
Not a single room was offered an upgrade, not even a minor one.
Not a single room was available before check in, you gotta love that hotel magic where the cleaning crews are magically done with all the rooms at the same time every day. (Yes I did online check in and said we’d be there just an hour before check in).
Not a single gift was offered.
No points were mentioned.
No late check out was offered.
Absolutely nothing, for any of 5 rooms, all with ambassador status.
I think we may have gotten a coupon for a 20 min massage but I think that’s because I made everyone Rick star status.
And here’s the kicker, the resort is D.E.A.D.
Like come on.
Our butler (again because of the star class status purchase) was nice enough, but he pulled the same thing they do everywhere about dinner. Oh I’m not sure I can get you in, let me pull some strings. Then you get there and the place is empty. Come on man, why does everyone act like guests haven’t been anywhere these days. It’s not the 50’s.
The room is a directors suite swim up and it’s fine. It’s not private AT ALL so don’t expect that. Plus the swim up portion is tiny, and vastly smaller than any similar situation you might be used to.
They do have suites that are ocean front with plunge pools on their balconies, but a couple of weddings while we are here knocked all those out probably a year ago.
Dude checking me in was kind of a dick when my card wouldn’t work the first time. I was like doesn’t this happen all the time when charging 12 grand in Mexico? He was kind of a dick the whole time to be honest.
Also, and maybe a total sidebar, but I think it’s bullshit when the room rate drops after your cancellation period ends. Feels like such a scam and it makes people feel taken advantage of.

Oh shit did I mention the TV? The fucking TV. We tried to rent a movie. The TV system said, no can do bro. I try again, still says error you are not authorized. So I call the desk. He says ok I flipped a switch should work now. I try it, nothing. We do that again. I give up and go to sleep. Next day I try again thinking time would help :) Nope. This time when I call they say ooohhh I see the problem. You need to come to the front desk and drop a card for that. Ummm, I did that at check in, doesn’t everyone? I’m sorry sir, that’s the only way to fix it he says. So I go to the desk, they are weird and awkward. I don’t think anyone knows what to do. So they say they fix it and I try one last time. NADA! Holy shit. Anyway, I give up and forget about it. BUT. BBBUUUTTT, when trying to check out, the guy shows me the bill with like 27 movie charges on it. I am livid, but I calmly explain the situation. He says, ok let me see if I can get those taken off. I was like, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY. Oh man I was pissed. I think I am still pissed. It’s such an amateur operation. So lame. He also causally mentioned that we had unused “resort credits” when I was checking out, first time anyone had mentioned it. Such dumb asses. The credits were probably as useless as the hard rock though, see below.

I guess if I had some advice, besides steering clear of course, it would be that you have to get the star class service, even if parts will be annoying to you. We did use that private section a number of times. And we always sat in that far less busy section of the giant breakfast restaurant. I would also advise that you try your best to get a room closest to, and facing the ocean. Ideally with some kind of pool or something. There’s just too little privacy elsewhere… We did really like the massive breakfast spot, and the Indian restaurant did a fantastic job as well. Guy Fieri’s was such garbage food. It was so sad that guy.

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Hard Rock Cancun - Jan 2022

Easily the worst hard rock we’ve been to. The push for “presentations” was awful. We were accosted at dinner by our own “butler”, we were accused of stealing the wine we purchased and were carrying around. It was hard for us to buy nicer wine. It was almost impossible for us to get dinner reservations. And when we did get them they wouldn’t even communicate that we had them.
We started joking from the beginning that our experience would have been great if it weren’t for all the help we were getting :)
The kicker was the final dinner when they told us they finally scored us a rez, we showed up at 6 as requested, but low and behold he says there are reservations in front of us and he’ll be back at 6:30pm to check on us. What in the actual fuck.
After my girl complained about the treatment at our first dinner they did reserve us chairs front and center at the pool, which is apparently a huge ask since everyone and their mother puts a hat on every single chair at the pool. It’s like holy shit bad.
Don’t even talk to me about “rock royalty” status. It means exactly jack shit. You get a high floor, or the 3rd floor, so complete jack fucking shit. It’s a joke to placate you before you buy diamond or legendary status (their time share type status that they push very very hard), which we would never, ever do.
I liked the room but it was only the best room we could get at the time.
Staying on the lagoon side would be miserable as you can’t look down on all the action. And to be fair there is a lot of action. The swimsuits are kardashian style left and right and they keep music and activities going. So there are some benefits, but the downsides far outweighed the upsides.
The kicker had to be when we were checking out and a well dressed man asked how everything was. In a pretty subdued way we unleashed our list of grievances, knowing that it no longer mattered. He was so kind and thoughtful and he basically begged for us to give them another chance. He said my partner here can help you, let us make up for it. He walked us over, handed us off, said exactly jack shit to the guy about us being upset, and walked away. He had just pawned us off for another sales pitch!!! Just like every other guest leaving an all inclusive like this! So wily! Seriously, screw you man.
All the all inclusives have the same cuisine style restaurants, steak house, Italian, Asian, etc, and the ones at the hard rock were far inferior to the ones at moon palace.
Anyway, they do, not, care. And maybe they shouldn’t. Mostly we are all just a dime a dozen if you aren’t gonna join their program.

Moon Palace The Grand - Jan 2022

Well for starters, turns out you’ve been here before dumbass. Totally different circumstances but still. And I didn’t stay at the Grand, I stayed at Nizuc, which are also completely different circumstances. The nizuc is more of a Budweiser place, and the Grand is more of a classical music place. At the end of the day, it’s still an all inclusive in Mexico so the Budweiser crowd is never very far from you, and in our case we happened to be here doing Jason Aldeans Crash My Playa beach concert (total coincidence), so we got our fair share of chicken fried.
The resort is actually really nice. We got a grand swim up. Typical situation with a shared but semi private long pool in front of the room. We were in building 89 which is most ideal I thought, being closest to the beach and pools. No matter what, this is a sprawling campus and you will walk your ass off, or take the never ending available shuttle golf carts around.
The only required reservation restaurant we did was the steak house and it was perfectly fine. They display these amazingly thick steaks but you ain’t gonna get that :)
The Asian restaurant offered way too many things to be great if you know what I mean, and our favorite was probably the Italian place. If we didn’t have a kid we definitely would have tried the adults only French place.
The main attraction here are the kids amenities. They are second to none. The water park is fun for all ages, but man I did not expect such a kids attraction. It wasn’t adult huge, but it was huge nonetheless. My kid even did the wave rider…at 4 years old. The kids club itself is housed in a pretty great on its own arcade/fun area. The club is small but those folks really took care of the kids. I was so impressed!

Check out got pretty interesting when we found out our resort credits don’t do shit, go figure right. They give you this hard sell when you come in to listen to some spiel. They say they give you cash money and all that jazz, but it’s really just credits. You get a certain amunt just for booking, and since we are always suspicious of “talks” we repeatedly declined their overtures. That being said we were told we had these credits to use towards “goods” and “services”. Well we booked spa treatments…nope they didn’t qaulify for that. We bought added value bottles of wine each night (about 25 bucks each time)…and nope you could only order a certain selection of wine if you want the credits to work. When checking out I was like what the fuck man, and he said oh here is what I tell everyone, just go to the shops real quick and use them before you leave. Sweet! Thank you! I’ll buy some quick gifts. NOOOOPPPEEEE. The store clerks will show you what you can buy and its from this one small table in this huge store. Two hundred fifty dollar sunglasses or two hundred dollar tequila. Our credit were for $100, so we just said fuck off and left. So stupid.

Westin Resort and Spa - Jan 2022

The Westin Resort and Spa is not great. It’s a Marriott vacation club so your status doesn’t mean much. To be fair much of their stuff was closed for covid, but it didn’t look all that great if it wasn’t.
We got the 2 bedroom suite and it was perfectly fine for what we need for 1 night with the kid. It faces the lagoon but whatever.
The Westin Lagunamar, which we almost booked, happened to be right across the street from the new-ish entertainment zone, with tons of shopping, dining, and with a large casino. It changes the argument on non all inclusive hotels in an all inclusive area. I would try that one next time, if we come back to Cancun.

JW Marriott Cancun - Sep 2020

Of course this is one of the best hotels in Cancun, but maybe that isn’t saying so much anymore…

We got the giant ocean front suite. Good digs when you have a kid that goes to bed early and you need some space.

We liked the thai restaurant (which was completely outside).

We did not like the sports bar, or any of the other restaurants really. They were fine.

The seafood place, Oscars, right across the street, was actually a lot of fun, but it was also easily the most expensive meal we had the entire trip by double, and definitely not because we ordered more…

The pools at the JW were extensive and you could always find a nice spot (strangely no music anywhere though).

Overall this was too sedate for me. Too boring and for an older crowd.

Great room though, with a great bathroom, and really nice layout for covid times.

Finest Playa Mujeres - Nov 2017

So there’s no getting around it, this place is pricey. If you add up what you could spend on a non all inclusive hotel, and then what you would spend daily on breakfast, lunch, dinner, and drinks, most people would probably not come close to the daily total that this place charges…but then again most people do not consume on our level, we are experts. In any case, we wanted 2 things, a resort where we had to worry about absolutely nothing, and the best place we could possibly find. So while we are normally fundamentally against all inclusive resorts, they do have their place, and traveling with a 7 month hold is exactly that place.

You must upgrade. You must. The “Finest” level, which is the highest level if you have a child, or the “Excellence” level, which is the highest level if you don’t have a child, are a must. The resort is full of signs about this only being allowed for this or that and whom. If you aren’t one of those categories, you will be sad. The amenities aren’t even that important, but having to talk to your girl over and over again about not being able to go to some place would infuriate me. Upgrade. Even if you have a kid with the Finest level you can go to all of the excellence shit if you are without the kid that night.
I would add that the “extra” levels also have a couple bars and restaurants that you can only access if you have that status. We happened to have one directly across from our room for example, and it was always empty and we could get snacks and drinks quickly. We loved it. The concierge areas also have private bars but these were small and weird…

Get a room with a pool. We thought the ones that opened up to the long shared pools were killer. We got my folks the loft version with the plunge pool on the roof, but didn’t find that nearly as attractive as the swim up action (strangely none of the swim up spots actually go to the main pool, but they are big enough to do just about anything you would want). They also have private plunge like pool rooms where the pool is right in front of the suite, also nice, but the swim up is better and provides plenty of privacy as well. We even switched rooms to be more a part of the main pool action and still felt secluded but also close. It was perfect.

These rooms also have giant outdoor areas with both stationary secluded day beds and mobile day beds. They have giant Jacuzzi tubs and huge bathrooms. There really were zero complaints about the rooms. We had to call down for them to refill our wine stash a few times but who’s perfect
The shower is big enough for 10 people but perfect for 2. We did wish the bathroom itself had some kind of a door to it as the toilet area was enclosed but still kind of exposed to the room (you might need to turn on the water or something to feel comfortable in there! haha)

The resort itself is beautiful. It was only 3 years old upon our arrival and it felt like it. Nothing had any wear and tear. There were bars everywhere you looked and the restaurants were never full, even though the resort was (now that may have something to do with our kid going to bed at 7 so we ate at 5:30 but whatever). Room service worked great. Bar service around the pools worked great.

The restaurants themselves are somewhat spartan but they did a pretty good job. It was fine. The food in general was very good and actually surprising. The tapas place blew us away. They could’ve served garbage but they actually tried! It was wonderful. The things that sucked were the typical tourist trap type things. If you say lobster people gonna jump, but obviously you aren’t getting what you expect, so if you come in with well traveled expectations, you will be more than happy.
The main breakfast place was the jam and offered basically every breakfast food you’ve ever had anywhere in the world. It was truly remarkable. They even had very well done done kids food areas, gluten free areas, etc. The breakfast experience every single day was a big time highlight.

The spa was expensive but pretty cool. With your finest or excellence club status you get a free 50 minute spa amenity experience…the thing you would typically get for free just by booking a treatment costs money here, but it costs money for a reason! They guide you through everything you would typically do quietly by yourself, and I mean full on guide you. There are probably 20 different things ranging from the obvious different temperature plunge pools, steam rooms, and saunas, to the walking on “smooth” stones (ow bitch!), car wash shower stalls, and dumping cold water from a bucket on your head, no me gusta!
I suppose this was a cool experience, but I personally did not love it. Let me chill at my own speed in your cool amenities. Anyway, our dude was nice and they end it with a pretty sweet scalp and shoulder massage.
The massage that we booked after was perfect. The masseurs weren’t lookers by any means, but they knew their shit, and we appreciated it.

Notes to Self:
-They had ridiculously priced wine menus at every restaurant. I mean 3 times the US price for fairly pedestrian wine. The house/free selections were just fine, though there weren’t many of them. Overall the bar selections were good though. I never truly felt needy in that department…though maybe ketel one or titos would of been nice
-We did tip a number of times even though they said not to. The folks definitely appreciated it big time. And when you are the only ones at breakfast blowin through mimosa after mimosa I feel like you can throw a few bucks your guys way
-Our kid wasn’t old enough for the kids club but people were leaving their kids in this place all day long. It honestly looked like the kids were content, and ours seemed to like the giant (to a kid) water park structures they offered. We saw kid yoga which was pretty funny too.
-I’m glad we went to isla mujeres, but the ride from the hotel to the ferry was much longer than I expected…
-I got into quite the argument about a late check out on our last day. It was an uncomfortable fight! …but I won

Moon Palace Resort Cancun - Nov 2014

The entrance is made easy by a large number of people waiting to take your bag. The line for the front desk in my situation was quick and the guy operating it was nice and efficient. As of this point, I was told that my room would be available at 3pm…and it’s 12am…and I’m drunk…so I will continue drinking…and see where this goes…and to be clear…I’m in a sweater and jeans…and it’s 85 degrees outside…and just so we are on the same page…that’s 85 degrees Fahrenheit…otherwise…I’d be dead…it’s true…

Overall, this place is…fine. The location is pretty damn close to Cancun, though just like every other taxi ride in and around Cancun it will cost you 5 times what a ride in the US would cost. The entrance is on the main road and is protected like all the other resort entrances on that main road, AK-47 style. The complex is sprawling to say the least. Seems like it stretches a mile along the beach, with basically 3 zones. We stayed in the center zone which has a gigantic pool area, a main buffet style restaurant, a main lobby bar, numerous specialty restaurants, and outdoor bars and food spots around the pool. The beach all along the resort is fairly skinny, but it does exist and can at least fit 2 rows of loungers, unlike many other Cancun spots. The all inclusive style was fine. We didn’t need restaurant reservations and had a decent dinner at a Brazilian steakhouse.

I upgraded my room to an ocean side (all rooms have balconies). My room basically sat above the ocean side walk way and looked right over the water. The only problem with ALL of the balconies is that they built them in pairs. If you and your neighbor wanted to each use your “private” balcony at the same time you would basically be getting familiar on a level that acutely passes comfortability. In any case, the room was fine and had a smallish TV but the cable worked well. The mini bar was fully stocked and free obviously. The rooms are spacious. The bathroom is fine but they also have the giant jaccuzzi sitting in the room, which I feel like is pretty standard in all all-inclusive resorts, like someone had 1 single great idea 20 years ago and we’ve never been able to improve upon it.

The other parts of the resort had various fun things. We did go to the late night club a couple times in one of the other complexes. Not bad. Kind of like a cruise ship, but you know, terrible, I mean the same.

Notes

-The internet is free and works pretty well…and I don’t know much else cause I be sittin in de lobby.
-What a waste of time and money this wedding trip was

Riu Palace Riviera Maya - Jun 2010

This is an all inclusive hotel, and I generally avoid those as much as possible…but this was for a wedding and so I acquiesced.

This place has a really nice beach area, a great pool area surrounded by hot/warm tubs and multiple restaurants that are definitely to be missed (yes, I worded that correctly). The rooms were great with hot tubs, balconies, and self serve booze dispensers…but warm Cuervo is a tough sell at any time of night. I did see the grand suite and it had multiple levels, great views, and a really cool outdoor social hot tub area.

This hotel is on the upper end of the Riu chain so you get to visit all the other hotels and amenities should one wish (it doesn’t work the other way if you are staying in a lower tier Riu).

It’s not the closest place on the planet to the main drag in playa, but I suspect people that go here don’t care too much.

Notes to Self:
-All inclusive “open” bars do not mean to imply that sneaking behind the bar and mixing vodka with what we thought was cranberry juice (yup, grenadine) is ok…they will chase after you
-Also, the weird case of microwavable cheeseburgers in the sports bar is a must for any drunk person at 3AM

Riu Palace Las Americas Cancun - Dec 2009

I wasn’t here very long as this particular vacation happened during one of the biggest snowstorms the east coast has ever seen. Bearing interstate 95 during a blizzard with what appeared to be abandoned tomb-like cars stashed all along each side of the road (no, sorry, we can’t stop, otherwise we will die too!) was an experience in and of itself. A group of us finally made it to Charlotte for a flight out of town after everything else had been canceled. The rest of the family was not so lucky and after 3 airports gave up the search.

Night one. Hooray, we are in cancun and it looks like the family is gonna make it tomorrow. We got our faces wasted off at Coco Bongo and had an amazing time.
Day two. We wake up to the news that our family is stuck like Argentinian soccer players in the Alps. Crushing catholic guilt ensues and we book flights right back to the US.

All in all I found this hotel to be about the same as every other all-inclusive Caribbean resort…maybe with worse food though. I did like my room, and the balcony, and the view. Outside of that, they tried to fuck me when I went to cancel our pre booked trip…come on folks, people are getting eaten over here! Wound up with a voucher for more nights of Riu all-inclusive fun that I never even used.

Mosquito Beach Club Playa - Nov 2008

Outside of having a door that would not lock (we slept with our bags stacked up against the door) this place is pretty perfect. It’s right off the main drag and right on the beach. At the front they have this modern plunge pool and that connects to the beach through a somewhat winding walkway of wooden planks. Off of this walkway are the only rooms one should stay in…the cabanas. Ours was literally 5 steps from the beach. They have a nice beach bar and restaurant (though I think they are technically owned by different people) and cool lounging areas on and around the beach.

I found this spot to be an absolute fantastic Mexican beach location. The rooms themselves may not have many amenities…but they are cool and beachy, and who cares when you can here the ocean from your room.

-We also stayed one night in Cancun at an all-inclusive resort (because I wanted to try it for the first time) and one night right outside of Tulum in an all-inclusive resort (because everything else was made for Buddhist-Sober-Boring types) and both were forgettable enough that I don’t even remember what they were

ME Cancun - Nov 2008

This is my kind of hotel. Ultra modern. The entire high rise looks out onto the ginormous pool area below. Our room was on the side of the building (it kind of has a pyramid shape) which meant that we had an extra large balcony, complete with full lounge bed and furniture. Laying out in these situations is one of my favorite things to do. High up, some privacy, you and a girl, sans clothes, in the Mexican sun. Hard to beat.

The pool area is nice and has a very cool in pool bar. The only real issue here is there is no longer a beach! It has disappeared…which really sucks for them.

I would argue it’s one of the better hotels in Cancun though (and I adore hotels in Cancun). Most of the things there try a little too hard to be like Disneyland…The ME is all about style and sexiness.