US - Miami
Just got back from a trip (2023) and I really can’t believe how bleak it is! Delano…closed. Raleigh…closed. Shore club…sucking wind. Ocean is thriving but that’s just bars and people watching. The hotels made the area and the best ones don’t even appear to be close to opening. It’s truly sad. I’ll come back when I can revisit the places that make sought beach special. *the Ritz did not take their place :(
I really don’t understand people that don’t like Miami…I suppose I should say South Beach because that’s all I’m really talking about. Now maybe I would hate living in South Beach, but visiting is like going to another world. They have beautiful beaches, great weather, and gorgeous people, but it’s the hotels that define the place for me. They don’t have this many hotels, with this much style, anywhere in the world. Walking down Collins Avenue and bar hopping at hotel bars is one of my favorite things to do on the planet. It can be so surreal. Not enjoying something like that bothers me…and those people are probably no fun to hang out with anyway. These hotels are sexy and hip while being grand like Marylin Monroe. They make me want to smoke so I can feel like I’m in the 50’s just the slightest bit more.
On our December 2019 jaunt I learned a couple new things.
1. The downtown area of Miami is not interesting. Don’t let people tell you that it is, those people are saying it in a general sense, but you will not be close to anything they are talking about.
2. You still don’t like college football. Seeing a major bowl game is fun, and the fan camaraderie of being the underdog in a foe dominated stadium in a far away city was pretty cool, but not cool enough, Stop.
3. They did a great job with the Hard Rock Casino. Great job. That place stands out and would be good visit on any trip if you want to gamble. No actual craps or roulette (digital style) but all other games were live.
4. See below, but club Madonna is now a complete joke. It was close by so I took the guys to it and what a mistake. What a terrible mistake. We don’t even think they were selling alcohol…like gave us NA and didn’t say a word. Fucking ass wagons. Feel bad for those girls for real.
5. Stay in South Beach with your girl. You already knew this dumbass.
6. Oh right, the cabs are a joke. Never, ever use them. Especially at the GD airport. Never.
Notes to self:
-Stay on Collins (Ocean drive is just for visiting)
-CLOSED - Have a drink at the Delano pool (on Fridays and Saturday lines get long just to enter the hotel…but guests get in right away of course)
-CLOSED - Have a drink at The Shore club pool (weekends have DJ’s and tons more hot ladies).
Sadly on our most recent trip the Shore Club has become very meh. Nobu left 4 years ago and they still have not replaced it for example. That’s huge if you’ve ever been.
-Spend some time bayside (Mondrian, the standard, etc.)
-CLOSED - Breakfast at the Raleigh is a must (be careful because they stop serving breakfast at like 11:30, even on Sunday…and those are the best items). Currently being renovated
-Dinner at Prime 112 is a must…still good in 2024 but starting to show significant wear and tear
-The Fountainbleu has a very cool club and the hotel is pretty sweet
-The Perry South Beach (formerly Gansevoort) has a cool bar on its roof that I don’t love, but the views are great.
-The SLS is super sweet. I think I’ll stay there next time I head down to Miami. Done. Went to the bar in 2024…a bit busted now.
-Strip clubs are pretty good in Miami and can be swanky, but you need to cab it, the one close by (madonna) is only so so. Wonderland is actually really cool. I would only go on weekends when they have both levels open, but the girls were hot, the dances were 20 bucks, and the style was cool (not the closest place on the planet though). Scarlett Cabaret in Hallandale is supposed to be the shit…but it’s pretty far so I’ve never been.
On our most recent trip we decided Wonderland was just too far. Just not worth it at all…and that masseur totally got me for 3 songs. You wily dick! No real lap dances at Wonderland either.
-Strolling Ocean boulevard can be ok but often times it’s just annoying and crowded (sometimes they close off the street for cars which makes it so much better, as the patios spill out everywhere)
-Went to carbone in 2024 and had a great time. Pink Taco is garbage.
Ritz Carlton South Beach - Apr 2023
Accidentally got a standard king, do not do this. Our view was of a wall. Lovely bathroom though.
Luckily I remembered I had booked a better room, knowing that Marriott status means dick to the ritz. I booked a Lanai pool view with a balcony, but he upgraded us to an ocean view with a great balcony looking straight over the pool and ocean. You can see all the lanai rooms from this vantage point and they look good too, just not looking over everything like these main building rooms.
Loved the location. Rockin mini bar. No PPV which amazed me. Room service is good.
The pool is rad and the bar and restaurant seem great too. This place is just not special like some of the places below are…or were. It’s good, but it’s not going to blow you away with style.
SLS Miami - Apr 2018
The SLS is super nice. It’s right next to the Delano so the location is perfect. I did not love their facade as it’s completely exposed to Collins, whereas the cool places tend to hide their entrances. Makes it mysterious and fun. The SLS was more in your face.
The lobby itself is kind of off to the side and meh. The Bazaar area is there also though and it’s big and fun and inviting.
On the other side of the Bazaar you get to the outdoor bar and pool areas and everything becomes much cooler.
They have 2 pool areas, one mainly for guests and one mainly for everyone. The everyone area has huge parties and gets packed every weekend. The bar they have back there is pretty rad and gets busy enough most nights. Both pool areas feel like one big area anyway if you’re staying there. We mixed it up.
Our room was pretty sweet. We stayed in a villa, and they all overlook the main pool. We stayed in the first one which turned into something incredibly lucky real quick. Not only was it convenient for drinks at the bar, haha, but when the music got going at the other pool you were far enough away to not want to kill yourself. If you are still at that point that you want heavy base at 3am then have at it!
The room itself was spot on. The bed was perfect and had an awesome mirror above it (though it could’ve been bigger damn it!)…though there was also a giant mirror next to it which was cool too. The room was huge which we liked, but it did make the TV be a little further away than you want it to be (it could’ve been much bigger as well honestly). We didn’t watch much tv, but we did partake in the 24 hour action and it just could’ve been a little better. The mini bar was ridiculous. One of the best set ups you will ever see.
The balcony was perfect and even though it overlooked the pool it offered privacy as well (I should add that it also looks over the Delano side street which they could’ve covered up better with trees and such).
The bathroom was huge and offered a jacuzzi tub and a porn star shower that was not only huge but it looked right onto the bed…nice touch! The toilet did not have a door again (what the fuck is up with this trend!) but you can close the main bathroom door and you’re fine.
Notes to Self:
-Pool doesn’t serve drinks till 11. We start early on vacation! I mean wtf.
-Room service is great but they forgot my fucking Burger cheese! I mean wtf!
-While we were there they literally drained the Delano pool for an event and those people had to use ours. Imagine if you had booked the perfect stay at the Delano and they did that shit to you. I mean wtf!
-SLS is great…but I might want the remodeled Raleigh next trip
JW Marriott Marquis Miami - Dec 2019
There’s nothing wrong with this hotel…well maybe a couple of things. For starters, I don’t like when at the entrance to your selected hotel, there is another hotel within that hotel, that they pitch to be much nicer, and much more exclusive. Right off the bat I felt second class. I like how places separate you when doing that hotel within a hotel thing. Also, the guy who checked me in couldn’t give a shit about us or what we were doing. I don’t need anyone to kiss my ass, but there are check in protocols for people with status and even questions to ask and decisions to make, this guy was as aloof as it gets. Lastly, why can’t the lobby bar be in the lobby. I get wanting a fancy restaurant on street level of course, but that place was big enough for both. The bar they created on the second floor kind of sucks and it should be much better in a Marquis in a major city.
Now the room was nice. The bathroom was huge, there was every amenity and I can’t really complain. And this was a standard room as far as I could tell. Well done for a basic room. Mini bar was great, room service was too, but no 24 hour or any action at all on the TV.
The other highlight was the pool deck. They literally had full scale digital bowling, a digital top golf suite, ping pong, air hockey, a full sized, honestly more than full size basketball court, like wtf kind of a basketball court. And the pool itself was large and pretty nice. And all of this was on the 19th floor so there were nice views and the pool was almost infinity creating a pretty sweet experience overall.
The location was fine. I’ve never not stayed in South Beach so this was a much more “business” experience, which we sort of were on. The restaurants in the immediate hotel area were all the business type restaurants you would expect. The night we couldn’t find anything open (late on a sunday), we hopped in a 10 minute uber and found ocean drive still booming and we were as happy as can be.
Notes:
-The lounge was as you’d expect and the included breakfast covered all the bases.
W South Beach - Mar 2024, Jan 2015, Jul 2010
Most recent rip in 2024 wasn’t so great. 4 grand, plus 250 thousand miles, plus ambassador status, plus having to wait over 7 hours to get a room still did not result in even a slight upgrade. I rented a great room, but they have much better. The Oasis suite (they renamed all the suites so do not confuse it with the below) was great with a main bedroom, a separate daybed bedroom, a big living area, 1.5 bathrooms, and 2 balconies. It was good, it just wasn’t great. They gave me some money off for the trouble but that wasn’t what I wanted…I wanted radical.
What a fantastic W Hotel. Basically brand new. I stayed in the Mega Suite which could not have been much better. First floor has a huge layout with a large, private ocean view balcony. Second floor has a private plunge pool with access to a rooftop basketball court deck. Tons of privacy. Great views. Loved it. The hotel has a pretty sweet pool and an even better pool bar (though not in the pool). My only complaint might be the location, which is a little further up Collins from the meat of the trendy hotels.
Second stay…stayed in the same room as above (though it’s actually called the Oasis suite). The king bed is perfect if you are with with someone, and less than perfect if you are with a friend or family or something like that. The bathroom is right when you walk in the room and it’s big enough (shower was large and fantastic), the bed and spiral staircase are in the middle of the room, then a lounge area with a daybed like couch (just enough for 1 person to sleep on) are at the far end of the room. This level has a large balcony with chaise loungers. The second floor is all outside and the lounge area on one side would be great if you had a large group and kind of useless if you don’t. On the other side of the rooftop area you get couches and the plunge pool (ours was hot and great this time). I do love both of these patios/balconies as they are huge and are directly in front of the beach. That being said, the very tall main hotel building hovers right over you. Technically I would say there isn’t an abundance of privacy other than when you are literally in the plunge pool (and don’t get me wrong, that can be cool).
Might be better to get a large suite on a high floor facing the ocean next time.
Notes
– Would definitely stay again.
– Great mini bar, good 24 hour adult action, 24 hour room service, etc.
– Library bar was a little meh…and they use these rooms to show off a supposedly rock star art collection.
– Our recent beach service was abysmal. Hard to get a drink or anything else. Chairs were fine, but it was hard to have fun. Their special food menu sucked anus and the food we got was literally anus.
– The Dutch bar (just off the library bar) was cool as shit and our bartender was money (plus those padron peppers were the hotness).
The Delano - Feb 2014, many others
The first time I went to the Delano I was still in college working at an internship and on an all expenses paid business trip to scout potential hotels to buy. While there I saw gorgeous women, and Dennis Miller. I knew that I was coming back. South Beach may of had me hooked.
The Delano is that perfect example of a place you have to see for yourself. With all of it’s outrageous style, it’s kind of understated in the most unusual and approachable way. Their use of sheer curtains has been copied around the world (maybe they stole the idea but man they did it best first). Walking in this place is a visit back in time. To a place where everything was cool and easy. Sinatra and James Dean would of been right at home.
The pool area is perfect. It has been completely and utterly overrun with Europeans, but still, naked girls are naked girls (they no longer allow toplessness on the weekends). The poolside cabanas are bad ass and the pool bar is one of my favorite places in Sobe to hang out. I always like to say that the Delano does Alice in Wonderland better than anyplace else.
Rooms are ultra white. Many have an awesome mirror in this ultra white landscape which, if you are with someone special, can be really really cool. Most recently I stayed in the most basic room they had (at 800 a night mind you) and was actually quite happy. While our view wasn’t great, the room was big enough, and the bathroom was cool with an awesome shower. The certainly have many better rooms, but I thought the basic was still nice.
Room service options are good (even late night) and the entertainment options worked well. Breakfast at their main restaurant is also really good. The sushi bar is a must even if you only have a few bites. It’s just a cool experience sitting at that table. They opened a club called FDR under the restaurant. While I liked it, it was built for people to get table service, and outside of that standing around can be awkward.
I am a very big fan of the Delano.
Fontainebleau - Feb 2014
We got a junior suite here. The room was big and was laid out nicely. The hotel has multiple towers and our tower was not exactly on top of the lobby area. Walking to the elevators wasn’t too bad but I do prefer to be closer. This place is not going to have any amenity issues. It is a giant megaplex. It feels like a casino without the gambling…what a bummer. The pool area is sprawling but kind of like a concrete and AstroTurf jungle. I was actually quite disappointed. It’s also very far from anything you would want to visit in Miami.
The club is good, without question. The main lobby gets packed with people just hanging around or waiting to get in. I would come back to have a drink at the lobby bar and people watch, but this hotel is not my style for overnight stays.
As a sidebar, the second level has a number of conference rooms that they seem to keep unlocked much of the time. Makes for a pretty sweet stopover if you and your girl can’t wait for the room…and why wait.
The Shore Club - Jan 2012, Mar 2011, Feb 2010, Aug 2009, Sep 2008
The Shore Club and I have a difficult relationship. When she loves me back, I feel like I will never love another, when she holds back I want to quit her like a drug. The thing about the shore club for me is that it’s all about the room. I have stayed in an unbelievable, 2 floor, spiral staircase, loft-like, “balcony so big and private that an entire group could do nude sunbathing on it” room that would have anyone breathing heavy when they got a hold of it. I have also been put in a tiny, “crawl halfway out the window to see the ocean” kind of room. All for about the same exorbitant price. Now as we’ve discussed, I don’t mind paying the cash money, I just need a little something, you know, for the effort. The problem is that the shore club room descriptions are all kinds of whack. Or maybe they don’t pay attention to what room you pick at all. I feel like it’s a crap shoot that last time resulted in me getting reasonably unhinged… The only room that appears to be a guarantee are the poolside cabanas. Now these ain’t cheap, but they are worth it (not as much as I think the Delano ones are though). These cabanas have private balconies (but they don’t really look at much), multiple levels, a private pool level patio, and a private outdoor shower (we had an indoor outdoor off one of the bedrooms too I believe). The best part is you can walk right out your front door to the pool. If you want a hook up den, this is it my friend. There is also a baller private “house” that connects to these cabanas but I have only seen this beast through its fence…can’t wait to stay there. Forgetting the rooms for a second, The Shore Club may do the outdoors better than anyone I’ve seen. It looks like a damn garden of Eden out there, if in the garden of Eden they had loose women in bikinis of course. At night these guys use lanterns like they invented them. The pools are amazing and when the DJ gets going the entire day can be a fantastic blur. I love Nobu and their cute outdoor bar that is open on the weekends. Even though she sometimes really hurts my feelings, I am a big fan of The Shore Club.
Notes
– Even if you don’t stay here, go here. The lobby and outdoor areas are just gorgeous.
-Well, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but the Shore Club is out of favor. They let Nobu go and never replaced her. The bones of a great boutique hotel are still there, but the style is being held back. I suspect it is due for a major renovation and will soon return to its former glory.
The Mondrian Miami - Dec 2011
The Mondrian is cool man. Right when you walk in and you see that giant kids head (if you’ve been there you know exactly what I mean) you know you are in some place special. I just wish it wasn’t on the bay side! Cool views and nice location on that side…but I like the beach and strolling Collins.
The pool area is great, and I’ve always wanted to book one of the enormous, foliage covered cabanas for a day.
Room was great. Nice views, good size. They do a sweet job at this hotel.
Also, extra points for the concierge scoring us last minute tickets to the New Years Eve party at the Shelborne. Lauren Hill, Drake, the entire Miami Heat…pretty cool
The Raleigh - Aug 2005
The Raleigh is a must visit in my opinion. They do classic cool better than anyone in Sobe I think. Very understated. The restaurant by the pool, with its overhanging trees, casual staff, and perfectly set furniture is grounds for the best brunch you can have…regardless of the food…and the food is fantastic.
They have become a little too family friendly lately for me to stay there, but I still love it. Also the pool bar, which I love, has been hit or miss with its hours lately (never really know if it will be open).
Can’t wait to check out the new renovation!
The National
The National is generally cheaper than the other hotels around it. That’s not to say that it’s quality is inferior, but it is different. I had a room just off the pool. The room was good, but the view is non existent, as you are generally looking at very full trees and bushes that line the pool. The pool is a really long rectangle which is indeed fantastic when you first see it, and then you realize that in practical terms, you can’t really fit any chairs out there, and it doesn’t get much sunlight anyway.
Great location, good beach options, and fun, but not me.