US - Orlando Disney

Update Dec 2023.
I guess my additions for this trip are this:

I think staying at Universal makes more sense than staying at Disney. You get fast pass at the good universal hotels, whereas Disney hotels just get you early admission, you have to buy genie plus and individual lightning lanes either way, so the value is really not there for me as I don’t want to “rope drop”. Also, the walkability of the swan reserve doesn’t compare to the walkability of the hard rock for example. And at universal you get city walk right at your door step.
The idea would be Uber to Hollywood studios one morning, then park hop to Epcot that afternoon. If you want to add something else in another day then great, but the logic still applies. The universal home base is better than the Disney home base.
The universal in park food can be tough, and Lombardi’s should not be returned to. For lunch get a slice in New York or a burger at richter. Harry Potter fast casual for dinner. Or hop over to city walk for a perfectly fine chain family dinner. We did the mexican joint again and enjoyed it.
I would argue Disney food options are far far better, but many of those aren’t in the parks anyway so you’re traveling no matter what.
Guardians of the Galaxy at Epcot is a masterpiece through and through. The ride is fantastic.
Tron’s visuals and setting are a masterpiece but the ride itself was only meh. Keeping your head up to see everything was weird and uncomfortable.
The Mickeys Christmas Spectacular was fun, but I’m not sure it’s worth it. There’s enough Christmas at Epcot to satisfy, and outside of the parade, which was fantastic, I thought the Disney Christmas at magic kingdom was only ok. The fireworks were good but they do those every night really. They do them many places. I would not book the dessert parties. They are very very low brow. Getting their crappy wine and beer does not nearly make up for how shoddy this “dessert party” production is. It was slightly better that what a high school cafeteria would do.
We waited a long time to finally get a sci fi theater reservation, so it took years to realize it kinda sucks. So dark. One big screen playing supposedly classic black and white films but extremely kitschy would be a light description. Eating in cars is cool but you literally can’t even see your food. So…meh.
But space on the other hand. Still works. It will work well for another 20 years. I actually got a 2 top res this time and they let us do a 4, in the lounge. It was perfect. Via Napoli in Epcot was actually the jam, just as people said. I would definitely go there again for great pizza and wine. We went to Tony’s Town Square in MK before the christmas show and it was perfectly fine. Their garlic bread and sauce is kind of rad.

Last trip.

Ok ok. My kid wasn't old enough yet, I know. But she has some cousins that are at the perfect age. Two 11 year olds that are just barely on the edge of being brooding teens and one 8 year old who eats stuff like this for breakfast, target market for sure. We were nervous. We had both been when we were really young, but large crowds, and our girl who likes to run around every second of the day and touch every available surface made for a nervous and anxious build up to the trip.

We had a fantastic time, but our fears were not unfounded :) Here goes:

Disney tips
Fast passes are essential and everyone has access to them up to 30 days in advance of their trip. However, if you stay at a Disney property, or the swan or dolphin (both sister properties and closer than any "official" disney property) like we did, and can book fast passes 60 days in advance instead of 30 days. It makes a big difference honestly. Book exactly when you are able.

Have both apps, Disney Go AND the line wait time app. The wait times are pretty spot on (they have signs throughout the park but the app is much easier).
If you are going on a busy day, make lunch reservations, seriously. You can wait 30 minutes just to get a hot dog or even a simple coffee.
The parks open at published times, but you can actually get in before that. They’ll let you go through security and the ticket takers and right up to the entrance to the part of the park you want. You’ll wait there until the second the park opens.
People will run to the most popular ride they don’t have a fast pass for. You should too. Not kidding it takes about 5 minutes to go from no wait to a 100 minute wait (again this only applies to busy times and weekends).
Also there is no need to book “meets” with characters or shows. Even on busy days you can do this pretty easily. Choose rides and big items and you will save hours and hours.
Also, if you want cool dinners or breakfasts you will have to do that more than 6 months in advance. We are talking buffets here, that book a year in advance...bananas.

I liked the boardwalk but it's not exactly a packed experience. There are a few places to go and some of them can be great. We visited the Abracadabar more than once for sure. Overall the point to make is that "nice" adult restaurants are pretty meh overall. Maybe you’ll get some nice decor but the menus are almost always boring and so overpriced. Obviously it’s Disney so everything is overpriced, but is buying a 60 dollar steak that’s overcooked with sauce all over it really worth it? I think staying casual is just more logical anyway. Dressing up is even a little odd here. You see some people hitting the 9’s but overall it’s people in shorts and shirt sleeves. This applies to all the hotel restaurants as well.

Each park has kiddy rides that are so not worth it. I love my kid and want her to have fun, but this part of the Disney game is seriously lacking. Waiting 70 minutes for a carnival ride sucks. It’s the exact same as any carnival ride. Exact same.

Hollywood Studios
What they did with galaxies edge is pretty amazing. I would say not as compact and thus “surrounding” as Harry Potter world, but truly awesome either way. Seeing the star ships and different layouts up close is very very cool.
The 50’s cafe was a highly sought after experience. The layout is so well done and each room feels like a home or kitchen from the 50’s. The service is awesome and very in character. My problem was the food which was also very in character from what would be served in a typical American kitchen from the 50’s. And I don’t fucking want pot roast ever, but especially for lunch. They don’t even sell a sandwich. Say what huh?!?!
We also did Hollywood and Vine - Minnie side
Minnie, Goofy, Donald, and Daisy.
They walk around and kiss kids.
You pay 55 a person plus tax and tip for essentially the wood grill buffet. Now I’ve never been to the wood grill buffet so I have to actually imagine that this is worse.
We had two 11yo’s, one 8, one 3 and 4 adults. Food plus 3 beers was 500 dollars. Five hundred dollars. For garbage.

Not hugely well known I don't think, but the closing fireworks/light show at Hollywood is amaze balls. It's all movie quotes and general awesomeness.

Star Wars doesn’t use fast pass yet and even if you get there early, you will still be behind thousands of people. Thousands.
Security line tip - watch out for the special lines for strollers, they will not let you through the wrong line. They got me good.
Smugglers Run - use the single rider option. Pass by the entire winding, unbelievably long line and go right to the front entrance. We waited 5 minutes to ride when the regular line was 150 minutes.you won’t sit together but the ride doesn’t really allow that anyway. If you have a kid they’ll even try to keep you together. Sitting at the front “being a pilot” is best but they generally reserve that for people that are in groups. Never hurts to ask!
The ride is pretty rad btw, but not mind blowing. It is interactive like shooting things and such.
Star Tours
Actually really rad. You could do this first as a non fast pass as people will generally race to smugglers. Definitely ask for and wait for the front row. The effects are really cool and are dampened a bit when people’s heads are in front of you. This is an underrated ride because the other 2 are so big.
Rise of the Resistance
Oh man what a system. Yes you have to use the special queue part of the Disney app. And yes it doesn’t work until you’re at the park and not until the second the park opens. No you cannot sign up anyone in your group that hasn’t gone through the ticket gate. I got a grouping at 8:01, the park opened at 8:00. My group was 113, and they usually make it to group 60. Pissed.
Went back 2 days later! Second try! Got group 19!!! And got through before 9am after opening the ride at 8:15 or so.
What an epic ride. So many sets. So many new things. The imperial walkers were too cool. The second of utterly massive scenes that you won’t believe. It was amazing all around. I can’t believe they built it. Such a large production. So much staff. When that staff member from the empire walks into your captured ship it just goes in a totally different direction. There really is nothing like it. It’s especially pertinent for Star Wars fans. Plus when the troop carrier drops, you realize how special this experience really is.

Building a light saber was fun and compared to almost everything they offer, a pretty good value.

After all that, I honestly think the longest lines, all day long, from open to close were for the slinky dog dash :)

Magic Kingdom
Everything was as expected EXCEPT...I didn’t know it was dry!!! Fuck. A million screaming kids and no beer. Wow. Just wow. If you want an adult beverage at the kingdom you have to be in a sit down restaurant. No easy task if it’s busy!
I was floored.
The other parks do not follow that policy and apparently it was Walt’s wish, so you kinda gotta respect that.
The character breakfast at crystal palace was very meh. We got Tigger, E’or, and piglet. That’s it. For a room of maybe 300. All buffet style and just underwhelming as shit. And at 44 a person it’s truly a scam. Go do a meet and greet somewhere for free and see the same smile on your kids face.

Magic Kingdom is great because of nostalgia, but not much else. Pirates of the Caribbean, Small World, etc.

Much of the rides and experiences are for the very young, but the coasters and things like that get the biggest lines. We literally ran (yes lots of people will) when the park opened to Space Mountain and got almost right on. When we exited, it was a 2 hour wait.

Epcot
Epcot soar is rad, but man Epcot is humongous. Takes forever to get everywhere. That being said, I loved it. All of those countries still works so well.
The nightly fireworks show is pretty killer too, and hearing Walt brought just a wisp of moisture to my eye. Not commenting on a single other thing, what an amazing visionary.

San angel inn (latin inspired) for dinner was actually kind of cool but not for small kids. Very very dark with a giant volcano as the back drop. Good drinks.

The Frozen ride was a little off putting with the cgi video faces, but it was good for the kids.

I have to say this. Mission Space may be old, but the orange/hard mission is fucking intense. Like I don't even know how they did it. When you take off it literally makes you want tot pass out. I am still amazed and I don't ever want to do it again, haha. There goes my astronaut career.

Lastly, they are building a guardians of the galaxy ride and I bet it's gonna be radical.

Animal Kingdom
Actually quite rad. Avatar was my favorite ride on earth until I did ride of the resistance the next day. Very different experiences though, they might both be best. The avatar ride is just amazing. Such a thrill, and you don’t even really go anywhere.

The Avatar land itself, Pandora of course, was pretty amazing on its own. Similar in scope to Galaxy's Edge, awe inspiring and just cool to look at. Again though, not really the "feel" of Diagon Alley at Universal.

The Everest ride was also very cool. Somewhat traditional roller coaster but the setting is stellar. Even the line sets you up for a Yeti experience very well!
Our kid loved the jungle safari ride and the dinosaur ride was moderately cool with the time machine and asteroid action. Similar to gringots but not nearly as cool. Our almost 3 year old had to leave It's Tough to be a Bug cause it was "too scary".
We went to dinner at Sanaa, and while being at the wilderness resort is cool because you get to see a bunch of animals very up close, this restaurant was just another slog into outrageously expensive mediocrity. I get it, I really do, you have to cater to thousands at these restaurants, and the kid to adult ratio is the highest in the world. But your kid would be happy looking at the animals and chewing on a pizza, and you will too.
At least this place wasn’t typical cuisine so you get to broaden your kids horizons a bit.

2022 Update

The Disney springs area is actually kind of cool. Yes it’s chain city but this is Disney after all. The other giant downside is that most contrived areas like this are circular, or at least it’s connected in a way, Disney springs is not at all, and it is gigantic. So if you walk to one end, you gotta pretty much retrace every single step to get back. We are at the planet Hollywood. Don’t do that. It’s fine but it’s just not good enough. There are plenty of other fun restaurants there to choose from. The PH is too loud and dominated by a giant screen that just plays kids shit. It’s a kill me now kind of interior. The outside is fine I guess. Just not a great planet Hollywood, or restaurant in general.
At animal kingdom we tried the rainforest cafe, which for our kid and her cousins was like heaven. It was refreshing to us too on a hot day with good service and that cool dark thunderstormy atmosphere only a rainforest cafe can do. Go there and help save the planet by eating cheeseburgers and ribs! Haha
You technically leave the park to dine there but they have their own little entrance to get back in so no big deal.
I’m torn on the genie plus and lightning lane system, on one hand, I have everything at my fingertips. On the other hand, the person in charge of booking everything, me, is staring at their phone ALL DAY LONG. You simply must keep looking at times and reservation availability. That’s the only way to effectively use it. Kind of a major downside if you want to live in the moment. Must be great though if you are just along for the ride! Haha. I would also say that our first day, and admittedly it was Easter Sunday, left us feeling like the LL lanes and genie rez times were almost never available. I got a sweet rez for a 2nd avatar visit, but that was my only YES moment.
Oga’s really pissed me off. Hollywood studios pissed me off. This system sucks. You can’t do anything. And every time you think you’re going to be able to do something, you can’t. THIS NEW SYSTEM SUCKS. I’m starting to think the big problems I had were because of the size of our group, I was reserving for 8 ppl. So when the system mercifully said it had a slot, after 500 swipe ups to update, and I clicked my group, it would switch from oh I didn’t mean 2pm, I meant next week, or just fuck you there’s nothing.
Anyway Oga’s was cool, but it is no place for young kids. Limited seating. Almost no food. Try to sneak away as a single and just have a drink in an alien bar.
The Coral Reef restaurant was actually quite fun, BUT we had a table right in front of the tanks, and that’s kind of a must because even though the place is small, being in the back would be sucky. It’s kind of like an angled theater stage where the fish are all in front.
The La Hacienda restaurant at Epcot was PERFECT for the show. You must, and I mean just get a table near the windows, and you must get a reservation around 8 or so. They turn off all the lights and pump the music. It was really well done. There are some restaurants that have balconies but ressies are hard of course.
The Il Mulino at the swan was fine. Gigantic Italian restaurant in a hotel so you’ve been there before. Perfectly fine food and good service though.
Room service at the Reserve was good and easy.
The just do rides remain the same of course. We did get RISE right at the end of the day pretty easily (we went back).
Listen, I can't say enough about SPACE. Try to get the lounge as you can order a la carte food in addition to drinks, whereas in the restaurant (it's really just a big room with a bar) you have to order their stupid 3 course dinner (2 courses for lunch). You should do this. It is the most important reservation of all imho. I saw all these dipshits getting in and couldn't believe they got a reservation over me. I sat at the entrance on standby (if they are busy they only allow standby for the bar and there are only 10 or so bar seats) for a pretty long time. And yes it's that worth it, as long as you're not a dumbass.

A note on restaurants…

The enchanted rose bar at the grand Floridian was a welcome elevated cocktail experience at Disney. Then we headed to narcosse’s where the food was good, but more than that the entire restaurant goes on the patio during the magic kingdom fireworks with a perfect view and they pump the same audio through the house speakers.
The Hollywood brown derby at Hollywood was nice but a huge waste of money I think!

Swan Reserve - Apr 2022, Dec 2023, Apr 2024

The swan reserve is probably the first grown up hotel on the Disney grounds. Now first of all, there are kids everywhere…obviously, but it’s cooler you know? It has nice touches rather than cheap touches. The Hollywood side has nice views of the pool, but the Epcot side is better. More to look at and fireworks at night. Also the big pool at the dolphin is right across the street, and actually more convenient than walking from the swan. It’s weird, but this hotel feels better situated than the swan which was part of the original dolphin swan complex.
The pool at the reserve is small but fun. The food menu is limited but we enjoyed it nonetheless.
We got the Epcot facing king suite and it was worth every penny. Large separate living area with a huge dining table and sitting area. Only one bathroom but it was large. The other 2 rooms were standard but still nice for families. Medium size rooms I would say and they faced Hollywood, but that view also has the pool which is neat to check on. The Epcot view and their fireworks are better.
The Vue on the rooftop to view the Epcot fireworks show is pretty lame. If you get invited I guess you can’t take my word for it but it’s just lame. It’s basically a spartan conference room and a balcony.

Most recent visit…

The chairman suite is pretty great. It should have a half bath in addition to the one main bathroom but it was fine. The balcony was a super nice touch and we used it often.
The reserve is pretty cheap with the breakfast. You only get a tiny continental instead of the actual buffet. Pretty sad.

Swan and Dolphin - Feb 2020

Dolphin is bigger and I think better. The rooms are better at swan I think. But everything else is at Dolphin. And though yes it’s connected, it’s actually kind of oddly far.
At the time the swan pool was under construction, but even when its done it will be far inferior to the pool complex at the dolphin.
The boats leave right in the middle of both of them so that’s a wash, and the Disney busses leave from each of them, another wash. You can walk to the boardwalk as it’s right next door, to Epcot easily if you aren’t too old or have a stroller, and to Hollywood if you feel up for a longer walk.
The rooms are Westin fine. The balconies don’t look at much no matter where you are and overall the room sitch is exactly as you’d expect. Room service was 24 hours and actually reasonably priced. The mini bar was empty and the tv sitch was standard Westin, no action.
I did appreciate the completely separated vanities, especially in our 4 person situation.

The pool area was the biggest attraction. There was a nice outdoor restaurant. There was good pool bar service. They had many hot tubs, one giant pool with waterfalls and such, one still big but smaller and warmer pool, and one super small toddler pool. We used them all extensively

I don’t see any reason to stay here again. Location is easily the best to me, but the Polynesian looks the coolest with the cabanas, and the Contemporary hotel still works with the interior monorail 3 decades later. Both of those are close to magic kingdom though, possibly the least favorite park now.
If you resign yourself to bussing everywhere then stay wherever. I just wanted a little more from this swan dolphin complex. Totally fine, but just fine.

Btw, I include Todd English's Bluezoo in my rant about "nice" Disney restaurants. You will spend so much and it's just not there.