Germany - Frankfurt

First things first, Lufthansa is supposed to be the jam. I think they are way over rated. They have giant planes but that’s about it. I was stoked to check out the lounge at Dulles and it was the jank. I walked in and I was like, alright, this can work…but I hear excuse me sir, are you first class? Well, I uh, I want to go there, there please. No sir, the business class lounge is downstairs. I start to cry uncontrollably, what’s that line from American Psycho, ‘when we arrive at the restaurant I’m almost in tears because I just know that we’re going to get a bad table’. Patrick Bateman was wrong, I was right. The business class lounge is like the birthday party that your mom makes you go to cause the kid is fucked up and has no friends. It’s like that, but with a whole bunch of Germans. Who cares I said, free wine, and I need a bunch.

Frankfurt – Flying in on a 747-800 ain’t so bad. The Germans are just too stoic for me on airplanes though. Yes, I did just ask for my tenth glass of wine. Don’t judge me Lufthansa…maybe just leave the bottle and take the smirk back to the home country. In any case…bad food, but it was business class and the accommodations were sweet (fully lie flat in a brand new “pod” seat with a giant TV and all the extra comforts), plus nobody sat next to me (I noticed they did not have those divider things so if some snarf monster had sat next to me I might have been pissed.

The trip from the airport to downtown was quick and easy, 30 euros just about without any traffic, I think we hit 124mph in fact. Frankfurt itself is just as advertised, a giant industrial financial metropolis. It’s kind of like Charlotte, but with a giant bag of Germans and more porn. The main drag is called the Zeil, a mega wide pedestrian area with shops that are just too high-end to be honest. Boutiquey and bohemian this is not. That being said they do appear to have a pretty fucking sweet farmers market that they do everyday at the east end of the Zeil (my spot was right next to it so it was convenient as shit). And it’s not just apples and cheese. They’ve got like hundreds of dudes selling every type of sausage they can think of, dudes with fish, dudes with bread, dudes with cheese, and many many dudes with beer and in one instance for me, apple wine (a regional fav). All this shit is cooked up right in front of you and it smells like sausage heaven, along with a little piss and general homelessness mixed in.

The second spot is the Romer. This is kind of the Old Town area (yes, the yanks and the brits pretty much annihilated Frankfurt during dubbya dubbya deuce. So they don’t have much “old” around to be honest. The Romer has some nice cathedrals and churches and a super nice square where they play music and have a ton of patios and shit. I wouldn’t call it so authentic because many of the structures look a bit like Busch Gardens, but whatevs.

The third spot is the Bahnhofsviertel. This is the area right outside of the main train station, one street leading away goes to downtown, oldtown, etc. Another street, almost parallel to said street for squares, is the red light district of Frankfurt. Now let’s talk about this action. First off, the germans don’t fuck around. They have sex shops all over the place, and most of these sex shops have “private” rooms where you can watch porn, and do whatever you want to do with yourself. Then some of these shops also have “Keno”, which as far as I can tell is a giant dark room, with all kinds of nooks and crannies, with all kinds of porn showing. Here’s the thing, I’m thinking sex orgy nightclub right?…but there were no chicks…and I know what you’re thinking, but the porn was straight! Like say wha? Like the gay dudes are in a dark room and banging, but having straight porn on the screen makes it straight? I wasn’t sure what I was looking at honestly. It was like the 20 dudes who either didn’t have the internet back at the house, or the woman back at the house doesn’t know what an HJ is. But in any case, these are apparently popular. So…what.

Now, they also have strip clubs, these come in 2 varieties, one is small, gross, uncomfortable, and generally terrible. If you want to pay an astronomical amount of money to have a decidedly not smoking girl talk to you and then maybe do a private dance for you and then maybe bang you, all for about 400 euros…go ahead. If you want a typical strip club experience…but better cause you know…german chicks. Go to a large strip club. They literally call them small and large, or whatever the fuck that is in German. Anyway, the big ones are clean with nice bars, stages with typical dancing, and lap dances, and back rooms. Seemed to me the back room action was guaranteed but it wasn’t cheap. I sat at the bar and fended off the girls that wanted me to buy them a ridiculously high priced drink (“so vee can svit here ahn chat” they says). I paid 5 euros a beer, watched some main table action and split. Not to be cheap, but it was my first night so I didn’t want to get all entangled. Honestly though, this place Pure Platinum did have some hotties.

Soooooo, then there’s the brothels. Straight up. Giant buildings, like 4 story new York walk ups, except every room has a girl in it. When the door is open you can check out their digs and negotiate. Some of the places looked fairly posh, not dirty Thailand style. I guess these girls literally rent these rooms for themselves only, they may even live there…but that’s just too sad to discuss. If you are a douche or a dick, walking up and down these hallways is probably totally fun, if you are halfway decent, it might make you feel bad…I little bit like stamping your ticket to hell.  Mostly the main road for all of this stuff is called Elbestradt. It’s only about 4 blocks long and there are some things shooting off from it, and the area has actually become much cooler on parallel roads…but don’t be fooled, this main street and all of the red light area is still dominated by crack heads, and what looked to me like organized crime or other sorts of gangs. It does not feel good or safe. The walk up buildings (the biggest one is called crazy sexy) are often times dark and there is no exit if there’s trouble, like Liam Neeson would be like are you fucking stupid? The girls seem honest enough and prices are fairly set, but this is not Amsterdam.

Lastly, done with Frankfurt. It may seem like the only reason I went was to check out the girls, but this is untrue, it was my first night in Europe on this trip, and I needed a place to rest…and check out the girls. Even that 2 or 3 block of strippers, sex cubs, prostitutes, and alcohol is not enough to get me back. What’s the point. It is a walkable city, it does have a pedestrian mall, it does have attractive women, but it just feels like a concrete jungle. The “sites” don’t really exist. I guess if you like museums and are from a place where they don’t have museums, or the internet, you could probably check out some museums.

Notes to self:

-To be fair, they do have a very nice river front walk with some pedestrian bridges and such…but it’s really not something you haven’t seen or done ten thousand times before.

-Please don’t forget how mad you were the last time, walking up and down the streets, walking up and down those buildings. Low lighting and no security in sight. Might as well have been in Bratislava. Remember that group of dudes who were certainly following you? Remember going to that crappy restaurant to hang for a while just to see if things changed, to see if things picked up, to see if things got more fun. They didn’t. They won’t. Stop imagining a place that isn’t here…

Feb 2023 Notes:

-Dr Muellers closed the upstairs. Crazy sexy closed but I think it just has a new name. Pure platinum doesn’t open till 9pm. Rotes Haus brothel is best I was told. Right next to the dudes that wanted to kill me. I might say it’s better than crazy sexy was but does that really mean anything? Top floor is the same too. *kino still at josephine, erotik supermarket, jerome? Not sure.

-About 40 euros to the airport and you’re there in like 20 mins.

Roomers - Aug 2019

This spot is actually kind of cool. Maybe trying to be too cool for its own good, but it does feel cool overall. It's right next to the Meridien thus right next to the train station, which is incredibly convenient for just about anything.

The rooms are nice but they have some weird touches! The shower is like a giant tub but the door is small so you have to really stretch up and over the ledge to get in. I would be surprised if they don't get slips all the time. And the toilet, the toilet! We talk about being able to hear things a lot, but in this case you can see into it! Literally. So except for being on the bed, you can see into the toilet from almost anywhere else in the room. Wow. No bueno.

At the end of the day, I had a great time here and liked it.

Le Meridien - Feb 2023

This is maybe the best location to be close to the more adult zone, which is maybe the only truly interesting thing about Frankfurt? Which truly isn’t saying much. They have a nice restaurant. The room I got most recently was big and just fine. Nothing too interesting about it, though I wasn’t there long and cared very little.

Westin Grand Frankfurt - Apr 2015

Great location I’d say. Maybe I would of stayed on the other side of the Zeil next time but this place was pretty convenient. Zeil is a block away, the river is a quick walk, the Romer is a little further, and the red light/entertainment zone/main train terminal is maybe a mile…all perfectly walkable for me. The hotel itself is fine. The lobby is giant and has some bars and restaurants. There are only 6 floors and the spa (with indoor pool and gym) is on the top floor, so I had to walk by a spa reception desk every time I went to my room, kinda weird.

They had pay per view everything but no packages. They had a mini bar but it was kind of sparse. They had 24 hour room service which was cool and surprising (mostly American shit…of which I tried none). They do serve breakfast until noon so there are some points for that. WiFi was pretty terrible and does cost extra. Pretty basic business hotel. To be honest, I stayed here because I knew I’d be exhausted and I didn’t want to deal with some fucking german snooty dickmeister on my first night. Mission accomplished.

Notes

-Paid 130 euros a night. Hard to do that even in a place like Kansas.